Note: After PK’s emotional service on Sunday I felt like I needed to get some things off of my chest… This blog may be a bit of a ramble. I’m sorry for that, but it is the way things are pouring out of my heart.
I can feel it happening again. Every so often the irritable wave comes knocking when I least expect it. The last time I can remember feeling like this was the end of my sophomore year in college. I wanted to be left alone… everyone irritated me… the more life pushed, the more I pushed back. And here I sit, feeling the same way all over again.
It’s the strangest feeling ever. I feel distant, yet present all at the same time. I feel heartless in situations that matter most to me. I feel like people just don’t get the big picture, but I do, even though that’s not the case. The point is, I get irritated with those closest to me and I want to be left alone. Small things like a simple comment or text, an email, a look, the lack of a response… they all seem to grind on my nerves like a gear needing oil. Certain events that should trigger a huge emotional response from me, no matter good or bad, seem to barely graze my skin. I’m moved only by extreme situations, but even then, the emotions that should flow from me are limited.
Yesterday, when thinking back on Sunday’s powerful service I started to consider why I might be feeling this way. Several ideas ran through my head, but the most prevalent ones seemed to be: am I going to be able to help those in my life who are struggling through some pretty rough issues? Am I really strong or is it a façade that I put on to protect myself? Do I REALLY put God first?
PK’s breakdown on Sunday hit a nerve of mine. After wondering if the 12Stone cameras were actually in my apartment, I started to realize the simple fact that God had moved PK to talk to people like me (heck, maybe even just me!)… Have I been putting God first? No. The listlessness that I’ve been feeling is the creeping response to a life without the right firsts. It’s the signs that I’m straying from the right path.
As long as my question, “do I REALLY put God first” is answered with a YES, all things are possible. So now my next question… how do I go about making things right? Where do I begin with putting God first in my life, everyday and not just on Sundays?